Peeing on Daddy

This blog is about Collin teaching 2 clueless people how to be parents.

Collin is 6 today. Six days that is. He was born on July 10th 2008 and weighed 9lbs. 7 1/2 oz.
Here is Collin looking cute.


Tomorrow is his one week birthday and he peed on his daddy for the first time today. I'm his dad and my name is Andy. His mom's name is Andrea. I have never blogged before but I have had so many thoughts since having this little guy that I couldn't help myself. I'm sure the last thing the world needs is another blog about parenting, but I am going to offer my observations despite the risk of becoming one of those parents that documents every moment of their child's life and thrusts every photo upon every person he or she meets. I hope not to do that. But I assume that if you are here you have had similar experiences and I hope that you can get a laugh at my expense.

Andrea is 40 and I am 33. We married on Andrea's 30th birthday a few weeks before my 23rd. We started trying to get pregnant about 7 years ago, went through 2 years of fertility treatments, had come to the realization that it was not going to happen for us, decided to adopt, chose China, went through the entire process and had just sent all of the documents to China when Andrea became pregnant. Shock and disbelief does not even begin to describe how we felt. We ARE still planning to complete the adoption, but since we have been approved the waiting time has been going up and up and up. Right now we are looking at mid 2010 when we will go to China and come home with Collin's sister. So for now our focus is on Collin.

Once we were convinced the pregnancy was for real Andrea called her usual OB/GYN and was very put off by the way they approached the pregnancy. She felt like she was being admitted into a baby factory and it felt cold and clinical. So we started exploring our options. We finally decided on the Austin Area Birthing Center. They are truly wonderful people and the place is great. Not like a hospital at all - great rooms for birthing, warm friendly staff, more like a bed and breakfast than anything else. They follow the midwifery model of care and it is a natural child birth with lots of safety nets should there be complications. If you are interested in experiencing truly natural PAIN in all it's glory I highly recommend you go there.

The first few months of the pregnancy were horrible for Andrea. She had something called "morning sickness" which makes pregnant women vomit at any time of the day. As far as we could tell it has absolutely nothing to do with the morning and everything to do with sickness. She was nauseous most of the time and felt really bad in the evenings. She also developed a super-human sense of smell that lasted throughout her pregnancy, but has mysteriously disappeared now that I can smell a poopy diaper from across the room and she smells nothing. (We have a finder's keeper's policy on diapers that my parents suggested). But she was sick and miserable for a few months. The 2nd trimester was better. The nausea mostly went away and she was able to stay active. This was also when the "free breast enhancement" arrived although she was not very happy about it. She continued running and going to yoga classes several times a week. The running was replaced by walking at about the 7th month but the yoga continued right up until birth. We went to a couples prenatal class at austin kula yoga 4 days before Collin arrived. We also decided that the 2nd trimester would be a good time to move. We bought our first house right after we got married, had been there for 10 years and were ready for something larger especially with a baby on the way. The selling and buying went very well and we ended up here:
Our first house was 1200 sq feet and this one is 2500 so it was quite a change. Lisa, our realtor, was awesome through a very fast and difficult closing. So we moved and pregnancy continued into the 3rd trimester...






Three things come to mind when thinking about the 3rd trimester. BIG belly, baby showers and birthing classes. This was also a very busy time for both of us work-wise. I was traveling quite a bit and Andrea was rushing to get some drawings of something revised before she popped. (Andrea is an architect working for a general contractor on a medical tower) At least she was working from home most of the time. That was a big help.



Andrea had two baby showers. One mostly family and one mostly friends. Both were great and there were about 60 people all together. It was an impressive outpouring of support and we will be forever grateful for all of the gifts, advise and support. We also had to take some birthing classes. It was the Bradley Method and there were 8 classes each about 2 1/2 hours long. It was really great to meet and spend time with other pregnant couples and that made it totally worthwhile. So the official July 4th due date approached. I had a business trip scheduled to Orlando and was to return on June 20th. At her last several check-ups they had commented that the baby was very low, her cervix was very soft and this baby might be early. We were both really nervous out my being out of town so I bought 2 plane tickets on 2 different airlines so I could leave quickly if needed. Two days before I was scheduled to come home Andrea felt a shift. A big shift. She also felt really weird. Then she started having contractions so I got on the next flight home. The people I was working with in Orlando were awesome letting me leave early and very understanding when I didn't send them baby pictures the next day. Because the contractions just stopped. Andrea was sure it was coming any day and every day she would have contractions and they would just stop. This went on and on and on. The due date came and went and we started to go crazy waiting. We had both mostly stopped working in anticipation and our entire lives were completely on hold. So we cooked, and cooked and got bored with cooking. I decided to re-do one of the flower beds in front of our house. That took a day and went OK, so I did another the next day and made it through 3 of the 4. I'll get to the other one in about 18 years. Five days past due.

Wednesday morning July 9th I woke up with bad eye pain. The day before as part of my gardening excursion a shrub poked me in the eye - completely unprovoked. It didn't really hurt when it happened, but the next morning it did and was red and swollen. Andrea took me to the closest urgent care clinic where the doctor told me I had a scratch on the cornea, wear this eye-patch and come back tomorrow. After a few hours of being at home I realized this was not going to work and we made a new appointment at a regular clinic. The new doctor looked at it and was a little surprised by the previous doctor's treatment. She gave me a prescription for drops for the pain and told me I needed to see an ophthalmologist first thing the next day. (For reasons that are about to be clear I did not make the appointment until late afternoon and my eye was fine 3 or 4 days later). It was very red, swollen and hurt really bad, but I'll be damned if I'll ever complain about pain again after seeing what my wife was about to go through. On the way home we stopped at a pizza restaurant. This was when Andrea started to feel the contractions. She knew this was it. This was different than all the ones before. These really hurt and there was a sense a dread. She was scared. We headed home and made a deal on the way. She wanted me to just assume that the contractions sucked and to not ask her how she felt every 5 minutes. I agreed and told her that she could be as rude and mean to me as she wanted during labor, but after the baby was born she had to be nice to me. It was about 9Pm when we got home. She headed straight upstairs to try and be comfortable and I got everything we had packed ready to go and took care of the pets. Once we were sure this was the real deal, I called the birthing center to give them a heads-up, our friend Katsumi, who was going to take care of the pets the next day and my mom who would be pissed if I didn't call. It turns out the pizza was a bad idea and she promptly got rid of it. The contractions increased steadily in intensity until about 11:30 when SPLOOSH her water broke all over the bed. I called the birthing center again and we got in the car and headed that way. The birthing center is about 15 miles from our house and most of it is on the mopac expressway. It was midnight with no traffic, I was driving my turbo-charged Audi and had a pregnant lady on all fours in the back seat screaming in pain. Oh yeah, I'll admit it, this was the moment I had been training for since I got my driver's license. I was safe, but we made very good time - I'll leave it at that. When we got there her contractions were less that 3 minutes apart, incredibly intense and she was 6CM dilated. Our midwife Lauren was very happy with the progress and just sitting in a chair hanging out (I now see that she was saving her energy). The intensity and frequency steadily increased until about 1AM when she was fully dilated. Andrea had cruised right through the dreaded 8-10 CM transition and was in really good shape. Lauren was very happy with how smooth things were and how quickly Andrea had progressed. Now it was time to push. Up until this point the only position Andrea could even consider being in was on all fours and dropping into child's pose in between contractions. I did my best to help her relax between contractions. All the labor positions we had learned and practiced during the classes were completely thrown out. All fours was the only one she would even consider and it HURT to move. She pushed this way for at least an hour. The baby had just barely started to crown and things were not moving along very fast. Andrea was starting to get exhausted. Lauren convinced Andrea that it was time to try something else. She squatted on a birthing chair and leaned back on me while I sat on the edge of the bed. She went through at least an hour of this. It was very intense and she was becoming very exhausted. Lauren was unbelievably calm and confident even though we were the only 3 people in the building, the parking lot was empty, the rest of the rooms dark. This was not a hospital, there was no other staff there (another nurse did come to help at about this time) there are no doctors in the next room, no operating room, just an ambulance if something really goes wrong. Lauren was a ROCK. I pretended to be. After pushing in this position for about 600 years it became clear that it was not progressing. They wanted her on her back. It took a good 5 minutes for Andrea to get onto her back and she went through some really awkward contractions in the middle, but she made it. Once on her back the intensity really ramped up. She would feel the contraction coming and we would all gather our breath to help her push, she would push and we would all breathe with her. She averaged 4 pushes per contractions. Each time she would push I would hope and pray that that would be the one to get the head out and if it wasn't I would hope she had one more push left in her. She had been actively pushing for about 3 hours at this point and was completely spent. I can honestly say that I have never seen a greater display of human strength and endurance in my life. I am in awe of it and will remember it forever, I do however, hope that Andrea forgets so we can have another one. They tell you in the birthing classes that during labor you should think about how after this is over you get to meet your baby. And that as her birthing coach I should remind her of this and tell her that it is almost over even if it is not. I did, but afterwards Andrea told me that when the pain was the most intense she was never thinking about meeting her baby. Her only thought was that the only way to stop this pain was to squirt this kid out and get it over with. If I were her and asked to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10 I would rate it with a firm slap across the face of the person asking me to rate near-death pain on a such a stupid scale. She says she never felt near-death, but when it was the most intense I feared for her life, the baby's life and given the way she was gripping my hands even my own life if she could have reached my neck. After an hour so of pushing on her back she finally got the head out, an easy push for the shoulders then Lauren pulled him the rest of the way out. And there he was... 4:30 AM, purple and slimy.

You often hear the story told about how the very first moment you see your child you know that your life has changed forever. I expected this and was genuinely looking forward it. But honestly, that is not at all what I felt. Once he was finally born and laid upon Andrea's chest my thoughts were more along the lines of "thank God they survived and its over" and "this kid is purple and slimy". But the bond that parents often describe came over the next several hours and days. A bond that can only be understood once experienced. Feeling your heart break every time you hold him and look into his eyes. A feeling that the world revolves around your child and knowing that nothing else matters. Finally realizing your purpose in life. A bond so intense that it can't be described... at least until he pees on you.

So there he was. After a few minutes they cleaned him up a bit, weighed and measured him. 9 pounds 7 1/2 ounces and 22" long. That is BIG. They also had quite a bit of work to do on Andrea that I won't get into here. Everyone is OK - big relief. An hour or so later we all fell sound asleep. I was amazed at how hard I slept. We didn't leave until around Noon and several people commented that they couldn't believe how quickly we left. I was surprised by that because when we all woke up at about 6:30 (2 hours post Collin) I thought we should leave then before traffic got bad. I was obviously delusional. There were a lot of things still to be done and they had to make sure their vital signs were stable and they could successfully nurse. I've never understood the anxiety over breast feeding - there are people who make a living as a "lactation consultant". I always thought that you just hook the baby up to the boob and rest will sort itself out. I still think that is mostly true, but there is a learning curve for mom and baby and a lot of people have real problems. Andrea and Collin did fine. It got a little dicey a couple of days later, but they are fine now.

They finally let us go home around noon, Andrea and Collin went straight to bed and I stayed awake waiting for my parents who arrived shortly. My mom pointed out that one of my eyes was red and swollen - Oh yeah - I forgot all about it, so I made an appointment for late afternoon. I brought Collin downstairs to meet his grandparents and everything was great. My parents stayed for the first 5 days and were a huge help. We are so glad they were here and I have a whole new level of respect for them. My mom is also a nurse so it was very comforting knowing that we could just go downstairs and get expert help. They also took care of the pets, the house and us in general. Huge help.

That night was rough. Andrea's milk had not come in (that usually takes about 4 days), we had no idea what we were doing and Collin was not happy about that. He cried and cried and we just kind of passed him around putting in any position we could think of to try and calm him down. We did not get much sleep, but so far (knock on wood) that was the only night like that.

On Sunday he went back for his 3 day check up. He had lost a little over a pound and had a touch of jaundice. Not too bad and nothing to worry about. Breastfed babies will loose weight until the mother's milk comes in. And the next day it came. Big time. They call it engorgement for obvious reasons and it was quite painful for Andrea but Collin was starting to get some nourishment. Things were going along swimmingly!

Over the next couple of days we started to settle into a pattern. He eats, he poops, he sleeps, he cries, repeat. That's sort of it and in between the "big 4" he looks really cute. Sleeping has been good. He gets fed around 11PM, we all go to sleep, he wakes up around 3 or so, eat and poop, again at about 6 then we all get up at 8 or so for more eating and pooping. This works for now but neither of us are working yet and I am sure it is just a fluke that he is sleeping so well.

On day 6 after my parents had left we decided to order Chinese take-out. I ordered it and went and got it. We were sitting on the couch and had just started to eat when, right on cue, Collin let one rip.

My dad is a bit of a jokester and tried to convince me that the way to check a diaper is to just stick your finger in there - "Gotta stick it WAY in there" he says. Well with Collin there is usually no need to check. If he is wet you can smell it right away and for the other option - you can hear it. You can REALLY hear it. He can really let it rip - even the dog was impressed!

So I headed up stairs and put Collin on his changing table, and took off the diaper when IT happened. I was totally unprepared and just stood there bewildered. It just kept going and I didn't know what to do. This was not a "tinkle" this was projectile urination. He soaked his changing pad, his entire body, sprayed it all over me, the wall behind the table, the carpet - I probably need to check the ceiling. Using my expert powers of deduction I decided that there was no Chinese food in my immediate future, this might be a good time for me to figure out how to bathe him (which I had not yet done) and that I definitely need help. I took him into our bathroom while yelling for Andrea to come and help (he had finally finished relieving himself by then). Because we have a dog and cat that would have been happy to finish our Chinese food for us, she couldn't just leave the food there - so there she comes into the bathroom carrying two plates of Chinese food and I'm standing next to the bathtub holding the baby with pee dripping from us both. Good times!